I am very comfortable with how life is treating me now, it may not be the fairest of my entire life... but most knowledgable.

I like myself and I know what I don't like about myself

I know who my friends are, and who are not.

I know who cares about me and who does not.

I know who loves me and who does not.

Most of all I know God cares about me with all my faults and all the wrongs I have done, still understands...

Gives me the ability to breathe, to walk, to talk, to hear (not too well though), to see, to listen... and for that I am grateful.

In the last couple of months, I think I have been very strong and right now I am at my peak of patience and understanding. I find myself at a height of concentration. Nothing is beyond me and nothing holds me back. A lot has happened in the last two months, many things that I'm not willing to share in my head for fear of what might happened to me in the future.

Some things that no one knows...

Now only if the Mets can start winning some games, life would be very good.

Happy Birthday Aaliyah...

Friday night, Aaliyah arranged a boat for all of us to go on... She has been arranging it for 2 weeks, put a lot of effort into it... getting me to take care of the music (I'm not sure how wise that was), making invitations, collecting money and then 4/5 of us had to go out an ruin it.

Well not really, but thats what she saw. Her sister Salma came to join on us on the boat, but her flight did not come in until 8:47PM and Aaliyah arranged for the boat to leave at 8:30PM and would finish at midnight. Well that caused a problem, dont worry Stash to the rescue. Stash tell Aaliyah Friday morning, "Your party is from 10pm-1am" and when Stash says something, thats pretty much how it goes. Aaliayah goes on a tirade, Arun getting the worst of it. And it was justified, how could we (Anik, Arun, Jaimin, Stash and myself) just change the time on her. Well it was in her best interest, unless Salma's flight did not come in.

So the whole day Arun was constantly giving us updates on Salma's flight, because he was the one in contact with her. "She's on her flight, she's in Puerto Rico..." was filled in our heads the entire day. Of course Stash and I (and I believe Jaimin) were rather cool about this, but Arun having most of the stress on him being in contact with Aaliyah's family and Anik, being impatient Anik, were really stressing out. Then at 5pm, we had out Intramural Basketball game, and we got our asses kicked, so Arun and I were heated.

Around 8:15PM, Stash and Arun went over to the airport to pick up Salma. Half hour later when her flight should have arrived, I called Stash and her flight has been delayed a half hour. So now we had to think of a good excuse to give Aaliyah for a delay on the boat ride... we thought of sheep. Stash is buying a sheep and the pick-up truck broke down (great excuse).

We (Nicole, Ramin and I) rolled over to Bananas to meet up with Paul, Jenny, Dan, Purvi and Anik... to find Anik pissed off that we're late. Anik being as impatient as ever... we called Dexter (the cab driver) within 5 minutes he's there. We get to Grand Anse, where the boat was going to dock (actually the boat pulled up to the sand) to find only 10 people there. So less than half of the people are there at the required time of 9:30PM. We all just kept watching the boat make circles close to the beach.

Around 9:30 I call Stash and they picked up Salma and they went back to campus to drop off her things. The people who were tensed earlier are becoming very agitated, and now Jaimin has joined that crew. Aaliyah, still very pissed about the changing of her arrangements was coming at 9:45PM. Everyone has reached Grand Anse at this point, Aaliyah arrives. She chills out for some time, but has come to realize that her two best friends have yet to arrive, Stash and Arun. I tried to stall telling her, that they'll be here... "They had to see about a sheep"... or something like that.

Finally they arrived, Arun somewhat disgusing Salma comes... and to give more suspense, Arun tries to close Aaliyah's eyes. Enraged still, Aaliyah declines... finally she does... we display her sister... and of course more complete rage we get utter joy.

All was rectified by the appearance of Salma, which was a total surprise to Aaliyah. A very lovey-dovey moment between the two siblings. Then there was an awkard silence and I ended it by saying "Hey why dont we get on the boat."

So the boat came ashore and all 53 of us jumped on.

Those are the sisters and their boat. It was a great idea by Aaliyah having us on the boat. It was a great night, prolly one of the best nights of the term. I think everyone had a great time. The boat was very cool, wasnt too big, wasnt too small. Had enough room for all of us. There were sets of seats that overlooked the back of the boat, so you can see what we pass. We were able to travel up to where the captain of the boat was driving. There were nets in the front of the boat so you could lay down.

The night was beautiful, the island of Grenada is a magnificient site. Even though the island is not well lit, it was enjoyable. We had some rain, but it felt very nice because it was quite hot. Most people dressed up, I know I did... I even wore dress shoes... I only did because Aaliyah demanded it. All in all I think everyone enjoyed themselves, most importantly the birthday girl and her sister did.

Aaliyah and Arun.

Stash and I

Most of my crew, the one pic I had with Nicole in it... I dont understand why that happened.

Anik, Ramin and Purvi

Jaya, Hannu and Ushma (Jenny and Paul in the background)

The Birthday girl and myself.

Dimple, Jenny and Ehsan. Ehsan is unhappy because I broke his ankle earlier in the day.

Yes of course there was dancing. After dinner, the whole ride back pretty much. Of course Kya Soorat Hai was played. Anik, Jaimin, Amit and myself went nuts. Most people knew the song, and the 4 of us pretty much put on a concert. Everyone was on the dance floor and were separated via seats while we sang the amazing song.

The picture above is Jenny doing the Crip walk, pretty good job too.

Of course Gol! was played too. Stash's Serbian Soccer Chant Song. Everyone knew about that... most of the whities went nuts.

Then Salma answered back with the Crip walk...

Thank you Aaliyah, I know I had a great time.

There have been four times in my life where I have shaved my head. Each time was done for a reason. Its quite ridiculous that such an arbitrary action as cutting one's hair is seen as momentous, but to me it has been.

I take subtlities of life very seriously, a remark, an action or even something as miniscule as a facial expression. These are actions that have the most meaning. So I used the actual shaving of my head as a new start, a fresh beginning.

Shaved #1: My girlfriend and I just broke up and while we were together I actually told I wanted to shave my head.... well she adamantily against. And most of the time I can appease people for such small issues (later I learned the more you appease, the less of your own person you become). So a few weeks later, I chopped it all off. She was the only girl I had in my college career up until that point. I didnt shave off my head the first time to make myself look better but for change and curiousity. For some reason I had the stigma that cutting of hair (much like some women have- especially in the Southasian world) would make me look less attractive. On the contrary, not to say that me having hair is worse, I was given much praise for it. It felt good actually not only did people look at me in a new light, because I was not with her, but a reformed man...

Shaved #2: Confusion was the reason for this one. Life was not very good to me, as usual, and I needed a wakeup call. I was bouncing around with women, which wasn't the best idea. And I felt a little empty without having someone attached to my hip. I need to wash away those thoughts and I did with cutting off my hair. This occasion I knew that I would look good, so being self-demeaning was not the motive at all. I needed a refreshed feeling, I accomplished it. I felt better about school, family, friends, relationships... I was not bothered easily and much more saner.

Shaved#3: After the summer of my graduating year... I needed an escape, so what did I do... the complete opposite of recent years... I grew out my hair for three months. Until I felt resolution. I have always been a mature person (main reason, I usually chill with people older and ones who are mature as I), but I needed to grow up in some aspects of my personality and how I treated people. Around January, I found this peace that I was long searching for, to celebrate, I choppped everything, beard and hair. This I can acutally show:

Well if my beard was that long, imagine what my hair must have looked like.

I was probably the happiest I have ever been at this point of my life. I was at peace with myself and happy with how my life was progressing, I was ready for anything and could have handled anything.

Then anything happened.

Shaved#4: Anything to a degree walked away from me. Which is fine, was probably the right thing to do. As a way to start clean, I chopped off my hair, which was just last month. This without a doubt was the happiest of the four, yes the reason I did it hurt... but I gained so much from my previous chopping. And still with my hair growing back like a weed... I continue to be happy.

Happy Vivek's Day.

I dont know who this is, but whomever it is, put a huge smile on my face....

O and I really really really LOVE YOU with all of my itty bitty heart.
I'm sorry I'm such a cold human being.  I don't mean to take your
time casually.  I value it internally and especially when you aren't
around.  I can't wait until you come home.  I'm going to spend ALL OF
MY AVAILABLE time with you.  I love you mr. mehta, you mean SO MUCH to
me.  I can't even describe it.  I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I
LOVE YOU.  AAAAAAAAAAH! I LOVE YOU!  I am still head over heels
attached to your pretty face and darling ways.  GOSH YOU ARE SO
ADORABLE.  You are so mines.  Ok bye!

I guess I love you too.

Just in case some of you guys dont know, I cut my hair a lot...

Yesterday, 11pm here in Grenada, 10pm EST, I get a call from my brother. First time ever that he has called me, usually I call him. Well we intially shot the shit, how are you, hows the weather, the Mets suck, that kind of thing...

Then with the hoarseness in his voice, he says "I was not sure if I should tell you, but I got some bad news..."

That is not what Vivek wants to here, 2000 miles away from home... first thing I thought was my momz, something happened and it is not good. The parentals are gettting up there... so I grow worried each and everyday.

He tells me a family friend of ours just past away, a friend of my brother's actually- during childhood. It was good for him though... of course there I have a lot of hurt because of his absence, and the remorse I feel for his family... But he sufferred from schizophrenia and everyday it was getting worse, not better. He was constantly a danger to himself and he could never find any peace.

I hope now he has found it.

God Bless him.

RIP.

I'm happy, I promise.

The last week I have not been getting good sleep, I actually got a taste of what my roommate has all the time. I myself can function without good sleep and I'm probably going to suffer for another 2 nights. Since my place off campus will not be ready until Saturday, Ive been living everywhere since I have got to Grenada. Three different places to be exact, it will be nice to have place called home.

Im quite active at my school so this week and the upcoming weekend will be very busy. Fortunate enough there is a national holiday on Monday.

I had more to write, but its better I dont.

Gotta get some work done too.

In the last couple of months Ive gotten to many people at my school, especially women. In the beginning of school I was quite standoffish... but now I've been much friendlier, and Ive been getting to know a few people. Well because of it, I documented the people I've been with, this time around, I'm gonna be smarter and not post the whole thing, just the person who is most special to me, PK:

Background:

In the 23 years of my life, she is easily the Love of My Life. By the first time I saw her eyes I knew she was special. It didnt take me too long to fall in love, my first love and I knew it. She makes me feel so great... great about myself, great about life... I feel at peace with her. The 9 months I spent being her boyfriend was the best time of my life. I always had a smile, I always was my best and I give her everything I have. She mad me a better man... she gave me power and endless confidence, not in only my looks, but my intelligence, my generosity, my kindness and the love I have for my family... mainly characteristics that you take for granted... she made me embrace them. But most good things come to an end, and well religion was the reason for us. We are great together... but we both have to be happy about that, which wasnt entirely true.

When we looked at each other, we knew it was right, we knew it was the best we've been. She did so much for me, things she would not do for anyone else and I did my best to appreciate her, but you can never do it enough. For as long as I am breathing I will to my very best to make her happy. I want nothing but joy in her life, what ever happens to her in her life is fine with me, as long as she is happy and I can still be a part of it.

Result:

We have become best friends and after a couple of weeks, I have come to that understanding. I enjoy hearing her voice, it puts me at such an excellent balance. I hope the best for both of us, for the following days, months, years, decades...

You've been the only thing thats right,
In all I've done.

If you wanna see how Grenada is, this is a small glimpse. The first weekend we got here, we became acquainted with one bar in particular.

www.bananasgrenada.com

These are some of my pictures:

This was a post I was going to post last Tuesday, but unforeseen events occurred which lead me to delay it.

The last 4 nites, not including today, since I have got back to Grenada, I have drank uncontrollably. Why? No the sole reason is not that... I just miss you... so much...

Well last nite was the climax of where I hit rock bottom. I got very drunk, I mean I shouldnt have let it happen, but my demise was probably a blessing. The reason being it made me realize I have to cope, there is no other solution. There is more to it, but that is the general idea, sounds easy... but I'm sure its not.

It ended with me and a complete breakdown. I get outside of Bananas, an establishment that I partially run now, and it hit me.

Since I'm an emotional guy, I started crying, I mean it didnt stop. Im really glad I have good friends here. I know if I was in NYC, Chris would have put me back together but I dont have that convience. Stash and Anik carried me home in my balling state. I was quite embarrassed and I still am, but it was uncontrollable. I miss you so much. And I love you even more.

I get back, of course angry... I yelled at a few people which I apologize... I get into my bed, roughly 2-3am... and at around 3:45 I threw up in my sleep. Nicole and Ramin though got me through it...

I should slow down and I am going to.

I think I have discovered a way to get through this and I am working hard at it.

You are still very special to me and that will never change...

Im back in Grenada safe and sound.