March 16, 2005

• Choke.

  
  

  Not only one of my favorite books, but that is what I did today. I think on Monday I did fairly well, but today... not so much. Now I have the toughest one on Friday, and I have no energy or motivation to study.

  
  

  This is one attribute I had that my brother has. When he doesn't do something well, he works 2x as hard the next time around. I myself, can not overcome the dissatisfication of messing up the first time and takes a certain amount of time to get back into gear. I was in such good focus and today disrupted it. I should have worked harder for the class and I know that, but what made me angry is that I messed up questions that I knew... a horrible feeling. Usually I dont care too much, but I've started to work harder than last term, so Im hoping my labor can be rewarded. Now I have to find some inspiration to work even harder.

  
  

  I feel that you should always surround yourself with people who challenge you... people who are your intelligence and higher. And I think I have done that here at school for the most part... actually I think I've been doing that the last few years, which has been rewarding. At very rare times, it hurts. Because I'm probably within the very bottom within my close group of friends... and my result on exams definetly prove it. I know I have a few skills that are quite lacking but I do now that I have a few skills that are quite good and keen. Im not feeling sorry for myself, I have full understanding of what I'm capable of. Im just saying its hard to find concrete proof when you are constantly working uphill,  but I just hope that something substantial can change that.

  
  

  I believe in karma... Im sure I'm still paying dearily for all the wrong that I have down. Internally you always know what is wrong and right, how much you have done that is wrong... and well Ive come to realize that maybe you can never even out. I try my very best to do good deeds and be a good person constantly... but the past and I was responsible before and I will accept the punishment everyday. But I only hope and pray for such few things (which still might be asking for too much since there are others that arer less unfortunate), solid proof is the last thing I will ask for. Ive been blessed in many ways and of course given disadvantages in many others, which is fine.... balance I am accept and embrace. 

  
  

  Everyday I work hard to rid myself of ego. This being one of the main mantras of the Vedas/Bhagvad Geeta, which is nearly impossible. But I think once I get my last wish, I will make a major advancement in my goal.

  
  

  A long time ago I felt in the description of the lyrics below.... or at least what I take from it:

  
  

  Here I am expecting just a little bit
  Too much from the wounded
  But I see,
  See through it all,
  See through,
  And see you.
  
  So I threw you the obvious
  Do you see what occurs behind the
  Eyes of a fallen angel
  Eyes of a tragedy
  
  Well, oh well..
  
  Apparently nothing.
  Apparently nothing at all.
  
  You don't
  You don't
  You don't see me
  You don't
  You don't
  You don't see me
  You don't
  You don't
  You don't see me
  You don't
  You don't
  You don't see me at all
  

  
  

   

  • 1:44 pm
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