Happy Birthday Radialblur.

Each day I am left infinite sadness. Yes there are parts of my day that make me happy but it is overpowered by thoughts of anger, depression and distress.

My heart is heavy and might not be strong enough to take on everything in my life.

I think one day I will be happy when I do not have to worry that someone is hurt by my feelings of misery... when the one day comes, I can escape to my own confines.

Life is not easy and I dont think it should be... but my mind is unjust and unfair.

Life is consfusing and God is always testing. Everything is a test.

Everyone must find a way to resolve, overcome and learn.

I'm trying my best.

I will do better.

Mets a perfect .500, going fro the sweep, perfectly medicore...

Just like me. What saddens me... is that I think I am content with it, yes it hurts, but I can never find any energy to change it.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Well not you... but me...

Need to find the root of the problem... and go from there...

Maybe I should stop playing Hearts.

This about my 5th edit in a matter of 5 minutes... a moment of clarity.

I am the loser, its true, for one reason... because I dont have power anymore... not much is in my own control. I am not frightened, I'm prepared, been prepared for a long time...

I just dont want to let anyone down, dont want to leave anyone with regret... Ive done too much wrong already, too much guilt I carry on my shoulders...

What could be the worst, is I have trouble expressing my feelings that I have to utilize other people's writings (songs that I plagirize).

Much like the Mets, I dont succeed and am constantly searching for an identity.

I dont think I like when people mock my AIM sn, and think its a joke... because I know its not.

I think my lack of motivation and constant procrastination stems from my inability to succeed. You can only "get by" for so long until your abilities become vunerable and questioned and the reality can be seen, by all.

Too much my pain in my heart and soul, it doesnt ever matter how many people you put around you that care about you, it doesnt matter how much alcohol, how much you read about the Mets the problem will never go away... you have to find the problem and fix it.

Subway Series Part II.

Out of all relationships I have had in the past, I saw you and I never thought I could do you wrong... and I did... and I ashamed. I always at my best with you and its hard to look at myself because the way I hurt you. I lost you and because of me you lost me...

A week ago I lost a close a friend... too bad I found out yesterday... and which also is too bad this possibly could have been avoided if it wasnt for a major oversight of my own. It was my fault and I should have done what was right.

I apologize to you and all our your friends from my own poor judgement when to decide to tell you. Im sorry of course to you, for the horrible way you have felt in the past few days... there is nothing that I can do or will you let me try to do. Also, I apologize to all your friends, who have been very good to you, supporting you through my faulty mistake. Im sorry that I wasted all your time since this should have never happenned.

Thanks for having a well thought good-bye speech, if I wasnt so stunned at the solution you came up with I would have had a very respectable one.

I have deep saddness thinking that would you not be a part of my life at any capacity. I put myself in this position so I will blame myself.

Since you dont want me in your life, I will respectably stay out. I know when you eliminate someone from your life you dont like them keeping tabs on you, so I will not.

One day I will wake up, as will you, and maybe you will differently... or maybe you will not... I can only hope that it might happen.

Patience, will by my virtue that will stand by me... I dont want to lose someone that I am so close to...

"Get lost and then get found"

Day 1 nearly complete.

RIP.

My prayers are with him.

Happy Birthday.

You were a good man and a better friend. Always laughing, always clowning around. Its sad to know that you are gone, but better to know you are in a better place. Your time might be finished here but you will never be forgotten. I'll see you soon.

RIP.

If you like baseball, especially baseball in NYC, read this.

One quote I liked in this article.

With the Mets showing a pulse, the A's and Mariners not on the Yanks' schedule until Labor Day, and Lee Mazzilli - he started as a Met, you know - and his Orioles still atop the AL East, I have to warn all you bandwagoners that your window of opportunity to switch back to the Mets is getting smaller each day.

Bill Price a writer for the Daily News, is talking about the suppossed "die-hard" Yankee fans out there who were "die-hard" Met fans in the 80s, who switched over in the mid 90s. Price senses a changing of the guard, something that happened in the mid 90s when the Yankees took over as NY's team after the Mets owned the 80s. I think that is a bit premature, but this before this weekend's matchup, this is the last chance for a front-runner to change sides, without being a total front-runner. Depending on the Mets finish this season, will determine which team will be New York's.

I'm tired....

Im glad that you had the strength to tell me what I've always wanted to confirm. That I am not smart, that I only have average intelligence. Nothing special, just average.